It's been a year since this brain adventure began. One year ago today was when I met Dr. Neurosurgeon from across a hospital bed. One year ago yesterday was the whirlwind day of headache to doctor to hospital to ambulance to bigger hospital. One year ago today brought the relief of knowing that whatever my weird situation was, it wasn't a crisis; it would not be long before we figured out that brain surgery was in my future.
It's hard to believe!
In many ways I wish that my narrative brought a made-for-TV kind of life lesson. Like, all the anxiety and fear of the whirlwind day and the hospital stay and, eventually, the brain surgery would have somehow elevated my understanding of the universe and of life being short, and I would have started seizing the day and going after things that make me happy. But the reality is, life is not like TV. Lessons take significantly longer than 30 or 60 minutes to learn, long term habits can be hard to break, and sometimes you need a little cooperation from the universe to make change happen.
In a nutshell, I'm doing fine physically. From a medical perspective, I remain almost unremarkable. I had scans done in November that establish our "new normal," showing a healed brain in good shape. I will have my next MRI in May, and, while I am nervous that the meningioma will have returned, that's more than likely just fear talking. There is an increased chance of recurrence, but there is no real reason to think it will happen so quickly, other than my natural ability to spiral down a worst-case-scenario rabbit hole. As an aside, if it does return, it should be caught quickly enough (i.e. when it is small enough) that it can be treated with radiation rather than surgery. So that's... good, I guess?
Despite being fine physically, there's still a lot of mental and emotional stuff going on (see above, re: spiraling down rabbit holes). I trust my doctors and their wisdom, but still feel undercurrents of anxiety about my health. I'm at something of a professional crossroads, which only adds to feelings of uncertainty, and all of that gets in the way of me making healthy choices... And that layers on feelings of guilt and frustration that I can't seem to get out of my own way when it comes to being healthy. Perhaps some of you have experience with that kind of vicious cycle. It's a real treat.
Anyway.
Here we are, one year later. In so many ways it seems that nothing has changed, but that's not entirely true. I have lived a full life in that year, the last year of my 30s. As I rapidly approach my 40th birthday (next month!), maybe I'm just trying to take stock of where I've been and set a course for where I'll go. Fingers crossed that wherever I go, it's with good health, my wonderful family, good friends, fun, and some peace of mind. I wish the same for all of you.
💖
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