But... The surgery is scheduled for 7/27 - less than two weeks now!
It's hard to believe. And I'm definitely nervous. There's a general anxiety about surgery, compounded by the extra zinger that we're talking BRAIN surgery, and further compounded by the fear of the unknown. What will the hospital stay be like? How many days and nights will I have to be there? How many days in a hospital gown versus my regular clothes? What will recovery feel like? Will I bounce right back, no big deal? I'm a reasonably healthy person, and I have never gone through an experience like this. It's so hard to know what to expect - which is really it's own special kind of torture for me. I don't love not knowing what to expect.
There's also the weirdness of taking time off. Since I have had any modicum of control over my own schedule (around age 13 or 14, I would guess), I have filled my time. In high school, that meant school, theatre, Girl Scouts, jobs, and friends. College was more of the same, and "real" adulthood just continued the trend. While I can totally get behind a good vacation and I deeply celebrate rest in all its forms, I have always been someone who stays busy.
And now I'm going to be out of work for a couple of months. I'm trying to see it as a blessing in disguise... it's not the worst thing in the world to be pushed into taking a break, resting when my body says to rest, and level-setting some new healthy habits.
[Brief time out to acknowledge my tremendous privilege in this circumstance: Yay health insurance, yay living in a state with paid medical leave, yay access to world-class medical care, yay supportive spouse, yay extended support network!]
But I do keep circling back to that fear of the unknown. It's hard to hold back from making plans and filling those open calendar slots. Even the new healthy habits sound doable right now (a walk every day, for example), but I'm trying not to shift from hoping to planning, because I think I'll feel stressed out by making plans I have to break. It may very well take me several weeks to a month to feel energetic. I'm so nervous that I won't be able to read, whether because of screen fatigue or difficulty focusing on pages. I worry that I'll be cranky and uncomfortable, and I'll end up wasting the gift of more time with my kids on being in a bad mood.
So all in all, I'm okay. I'm counting down and gearing up for a major event. I'm (mostly) confident it will all go well, and I'll be good as new before we know it. I appreciate all the kind words, prayers, and good thoughts. I *promise* I will try to let folks know what I need, and will reach out for help when I need it.
I expect to be a little more active with blogging as things get nearer, and as I recover... but that's a hope, not a plan.
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